Have I mentioned how awesome my family is lately? I have a dad who is the hardest working man in the Fertilizer business, a mom who is pretty much my twin (just 25 years older,) a wise older sister who tries to make me a better person (with mixed results,) a goofy little sister who never fails to make me laugh/want to punch her, and super-smart little brother who is going to become a pharmacist and smuggle me pills someday (jokes!) And I suppose I need to mention my little Lex Danger, who is getting chubbier and cuter every single day. And her Mohawk gets a little more noticeable every day too!
Yet there is one member of my family who I have yet to mention, and that is my bro in law, Phil. This dude is in a class all his own. He is a slavedriver at work, a good hubby to my sister, a great daddy to Alexis, and overall he’s pretty cool.
But my favorite thing about Phil, besides his borderline narcolepsy? He will eat ANYTHING.
It started out pretty innocently, really. Everyone would finish their food and Phil would offer to finish their leftovers. Or he’d make random dinners out of bits and pieces of different meals, making weirdo combinations I’d never consider. Once he made a frikkin omelet using CHILI. We all tried to talk him out of it, but he was convinced that it would be a mind blowing combination. If I’m not mistaken, he hasn’t made a second one, so I guess I was right. Boom.
After realizing Phil’s adventurous food nature, it has kind of become a little bit of a game to see what we can convince Phil to eat next. For instance, I bought some microwaveable bacon for Mardi Gras, because I was under the impression that there was a microwave on our floor that we could use to heat it up for breakfast. We got to the hotel and discovered that no, there was no microwave, so if we wanted to eat the bacon, we’d have to eat it at room temperature. (It was technically pre-cooked, but you still couldn’t have paid me to eat it.)
We started wondering, “What are we gonna do with this bacon? I mean, is anyone gonna eat it?” Then it came to me:
Phil will totally eat it.
Sure enough, Phil and Mel show up to the hotel room and nearly immediately, we have convinced him to eat this semi-raw bacon straight from the package. Melanie tried to talk him out of it, but the challenge was officially extended and he knew that his manhood was at stake. The result?
Since then, I wondered what other weird stuff I could make Phil eat, simply by daring him to do so. I was at work one day, heating up a bagel for breakfast, and I decided to flip through our “Wheel of Death” vending machine. This is no ordinary vending machine, my friends. It doesn’t carry chips or candy bars, oh no. It carries pre-packaged sandwiches and homemade meals from a company in St. Louis, and as a rule the stuff is usually pretty disgusting. So here I am, flipping through the contents of the machine, minding my own business, and I see it:
There it was, the perfect challenge. The grossest sounding thing I could EVER think to eat from a work vending machine. Challenge extended!!
I purchased the delicacy and brought it to Phil’s desk (which happens to be the desk connected to mine.) He called his buddy Lance and told him to come over and check out this sammich. Sure enough, there were two pieces of toast (kind of burned,) about 6 pieces of bacon, a THICK slice of Velveeta (classy) and a small package of Mayo. (Ok, I can get down with a bacon and a manufactured cheese-flavored-food sandwich, but the thought of adding mayo makes me want to puke and die.) Mayonnaaaaaaaaaaaise!! (inside joke, fools.)
He scarfed the thing down, and said it was actually pretty tasty. Then it was decided: this was going to become a weekly tradition. Lance and I would buy Phil an item from the vending machine once a week, and Phil would be forced to eat it, whether he wanted to or not. This week’s choice is either a Sweet Baby Ray’s/McRib imitation sandwich, a fried chicken platter (from a VENDING MACHINE), a sandwich simply labeled “The Kendall Jackson special” or the “Big Az Bubba Twin Chili Dogs.” Should be interesting to say the very least.
And don’t worry, we already decided what next week’s challenge will be. Mortals, rejoice! Behold the KFC DOUBLE DOWN!!
Screw Man Vs. Food, welcome to W.W.P.E.T. (What Will Phil Eat Today?)