Bed Bugs

Holy HELL. Brenda is typing words on the internet?!?!

Yes, its been a while. Nope, I’m not sorry. Been busy as hell and while I do love each and every one of my followers, sometimes getting that extra hour of sleep is more important.

So, I live in my new condo, with my heavy bookshelf, and the occasional house centipede. You know how terrifying spiders are to see scurry across your wall? A centipede is even scarier. Those little boogers are FAST and have 18 billion hairy little legs. Granted, they don’t bite, and I’ve only found a small few of them, but generally bugs in any shape or size are not welcome in my home. Plus, if they are crawling on the wall, how do I catch them under a cup?

Speaking of terrifying bugs, I probably told a few of you about my reoccurring dream where a spider is dropping on me from the ceiling. Well, the good news is that I no longer have that type of dream. The bad news is it was replaced by an even more terrifying version: a spider crawling out from between my sheets. The worst part of the story? THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.

I spent the weekend out of town, so I got back to my place and was exhausted. It was only 9:00pm, but I was so tired I was just gonna crawl into bed and call it a night. So I go to my room, and pull back my flat sheet. To my absolute terror, a spindly little spider dashed towards my pillow, and into my nightmares. I SCREAMED and tried to grab for the nearest smushing object, none could be found. The spider ducked back into the sheets. After finding a shoe I took a deep breath, pulled back the sheets and killed the little m-er efffing life ruiner. Oh I made him suffer too. This was no kind killing, I probably twapped that stupid guy with my flip flop no less than 15 times.

So spider is dead, and Brenda is shaken. Then I remembered something my friend Jenn told me: You will never find just one spider. There are always at least two. So I tear off the sheets, blanket, and comforter, and found nothing. Just to make damn certain that I didn’t miss anyone, I figured there wouldn’t be any harm in just throwing all of it in the washer, just in case there might be a rogue spider that I need to drown. So then I removed the pillows from the pillowcases, and found nothing. Figured I might as well wash those too. I then realized I had pillow shams laying NEAR the bed, who knows what might be hiding in those. Washed them too. Bed skirt? That too. I shook out the curtains hanging a few feet away, no spiders. I’m telling you, if this spider had a buddy, he was a freakin ninja spider. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t pull back the sheets on my bed EVERY NIGHT before going to bed, looking for that damn ninja spider. When I find him I plan on pulling off his eight little legs and beating him senseless with them.

So. Enough about that. Let’s move on.

So with home ownership comes great amounts of responsibility. Read: bills. Costing lots and lots of monies. So I’ve had to cut costs here and there, and one huge way I’ve managed to cut back on my spending is by deciding not to have cable TV. That’s right, friends. No cable. No pretending to care about ESPN when boys come over. No Kleinfelds to remind me that I’m probably never going to buy a $5,000 wedding dress. No real housewives to avoid. No Situations and Snookies to cringe through. No Kardashians that are so annoying they very well might drive me to murder. And for the love of all that is holy, will everyone PLEASE stop talking about Tosh? Is that seriously his name?

I must admit not having cable is amazingly liberating. When people ask me if I caught Top Chef last night, I don’t have to explain “Actually no, I kind of have a show I watch that night so I didn’t really wanna add a new show. Plus I didn’t really like the DC season and the Just Desserts series looks kind of stupid.”

I can just say this: “I don’t have cable.”

Done. No more questions. No “OMG it’s soooooooo good you totally have to watch just set your DVR because last season was kind of off its getting back on track and there was this one guy last season was so blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaah.” Nope. None of that. I get the shows I really want through my antenna: House M.D., Modern Family, Grey’s Anatomy, and LOST. (No I haven’t been able to get over the fact that LOST is actually over. It just can’t be.)

So, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for House. And I’m gonna watch it, FO FREE!!!

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