The customer is sometimes wrong

So I was out to dinner with my sister one evening at Houlihans.  The waitress approaches, and asks if she can take my order.

Me:  I’ll have the stuffed chicken breast

Waitress: Ok then, is asparagus ok for your vegetable?

Me: Umm, what other choices are there?

Waitress: Well we only have asparagus.

Me:  Well…I suppose I’ll have the asparagus.

Seriously woman, what kind of a question is that?  (The asparagus was fine, by the way, but really….come on.)  I have got to say though, even when someone in the service industry asks a question like that, I can’t get too annoyed.  Having worked several jobs in the service industry, I get how annoying and needy customers can be.  Here are some of my favorite moments from some of my least favorite jobs:

Bed Bath and Beyond

Customer: Excuse me miss?

Me: Yes sir, how can I help you?

Customer:  Do ya sell, uhh…..vibrators here?

Me: SIR?!?

Customer: Ohh!! I uhh mean, back massagers!  Do you sell back massagers?!  He quickly walked away.

Bed Bath and Beyond….again (this place provided me plenty of stories)

Customer:  Excuse me miss?

Me:  Yes sir, can I help you find something?

Customer:  Yeah….do yall sell those, uh, whadayacall um….body bags?

Me: BODY BAGS!?  As in….a body bag?

Customer: You know, those blankets that you can put around you and they snap or zip or button or whatever so they don’t fall off?

Me:  Sir I’m not sure I’d call that a body bag.


Enterprise Tech Support Desk

Me: Enterprise help desk, this is Brenda, how can I help you?

Customer: Yeahhh, uhhhh, I need to reset my password and uh, how do you type a capital seven?

Me: Sir?

Customer: You know, a capital seven.

Me: Sir numbers don’t have cases.

Customer: Maam, now I’m lookin’ right at it.  CAP-I-TAL  SEV-EN!!

Me: Sir I appreciate the clarification, what does a a capital seven look like?

Customer: You know….that squiggle sign above the 7

Me: Are you talking about an ampersand?  That’s not a capital seven, it’s a symbol for the word “and”

Customer: *click*

And this final one I sadly can’t take credit for, this happened to my friend while were working at Bed Bath and Beyond together.  I must say it’s my favorite:

Customer: Excuse me miss?  I need help finding a frame.

Worker: Sure, what size were you looking for?

Customer: I need an 11 x 17 frame

Worker: Oh no problem, there’s a whole section of them right here.  (Worker picks up the frame and shows it to the customer.)

Customer: Well, you see, these frames are 17 x 11, do you have any that are 11 x 17?

Worker: Um, well yes…..*flips frame horizontally* Now it’s 11 x 17.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii don’t wanna work

So I’m getting ready to start my new job at Scott AFB.  True, I just started there 5 months ago, but I’m transitioning to a student position.  I’ll be sitting in the same desk, doing the same exact thing, but my title will change and I’ll get an insane amount of sick days.  Oh, and I’ll be telling military veterans that have worked on base for years and years how to do their job, so that should be neat.  I’ve already been dubbed “The Ticket Goober.”  So I’m going through the process of quitting one job and starting another, so I’m beginning the painful task of filling out tax forms, benefits, etc.  So I started thinking about all of the different jobs I’ve had:

Working in the fields, Famous Barr, 4-H Camp, ISU Housing, Bed Bath and Beyond, Enterprise, Coach, and now Scott…..wow it’s been a really boring and crappy ride.  So I started thinking about all the careers I dreamed about as a kid, and I got a kick out of realizing how far off I really was.

Dream Job #1:  Nun. I went to a Catholic grade school and thought being a Nun would be just about the coolest thing there ever was.  I decided I would also have a black sports car, so I would be a “cool nun.”  This dream was short lived, probably when I realized that whole “celibacy” thing.

Dream Job #2: Singer. Since 1st grade, I’ve been a shameless glory hog, so being in the spotlight at all times really seemed like an ideal career path for me.  I sang “Part of Your World” at the 1st grade talent show, and “A Whole New World.”  In both talent shows, I wore a bikini top and obnoxiously long hair.  I was NOT a skinny child, so whoever decided to dress me up in those outfits (cough MOM cough) needs a stern talking to.  I realized this wouldn’t end up being my career when I started losing my voice every single weekend from simply talking.  However, I still can belt out a killer “Dooooon’t stop.  Beliiiiieeeeving.”

Dream Job #3: Actress. When the singing thing didn’t work out, I decided to try my hand at acting.  I tried out for every play imaginable, from Peter Pan to Midsummer Night’s Dream.  In my mind I was a fantaaaaaastic actress, but in reality I was only ok.  I even went to a friggin talent search in Champaign and got told I was not what they were looking for.  I cried for about 30 minutes and got over it.  (I bet Meryl Streep got turned down at some point in her life, too.)

Dream Job #4: Photographer. I was in high school, and college was rapidly approaching.  I was trying to figure out what the eff I wanted to do with my life, and found myself being drawn to Photography.  I looked into the art program at ISU, and saw that I would have to take an insane amount of drawing/sculpting classes in order to major in Photography.  Since pretty much the only thing I can draw is some bubble letters and a bunny sitting backwards, this was not the path for me.

Dream Job #4: Marketing/Marketer/something to do with Marketing that wasn’t Sales. So I decided to go to ISU and majored in Business, which I don’t regret one tiny bit.  I started out as Business Administration, then added a 2nd major that was the perfect fit for me….Marketing.  My future was set, I saw long lunches and glamorous product launches in my future.  Creating advertising campaigns for beer, diamonds, sporting teams, etc, it was gonna be GREAT!  Well sadly these jobs don’t actually exist outside of movies and TV shows.  When someone tells you they have a “Marketing Opportunity,” it’s actually code for “Cold Calling/Door to door sales.”  Well after searching for months, I decided to settle for any old job I could get….which lead me to Enterprise.

Enterprise lead me to the Tech Support job at their corporate headquarters, and that job lead me to the IT Specialist position at Scott AFB.  And THAT, my friends, is how a singing, dancing, acting glory hog ended up sitting behind a desk, talking to LOTR/WOW/Star Wars nerds all day.

Honestly?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sick days = overrated

I called in sick today.

Remember when you were in grade school, and you’d look forward to your sick days?  I had a stay at home mom, so a sick day to me was kind of a mini vacation.  I’d wake up in the morning, wander downstairs to my parents’ room and walk over to my mom’s side of the bed.  Right away she could tell if I was sick or not.  I still have NO idea how she knew, but she could just tell.  I’d try my best weak/scratchy “Mommm….I don’t feel good….”

I’d go for the vague illness hat-trick: stomach ache, sore throat, headache.  Those three illnesses were easily faked, and could really be anything.  9/10 times, she told me to suck it up and go to school.  But on the rare occasion that she bought it (or, ya know, if I was really sick…once again, she could tell), she’d send me back up to bed.  Sickie Woo!!

The rest of the day was genius.  I’d sleep in, come downstairs and my mom would make me a little bed on the couch, bring me a room temperature Sprite, and some saltine crackers.  To this day I still associate those two foods with being sick.  I’d watch crappy daytime television, and my mom would fill me in on the insanity happening on “The Bold and the Beautiful” and “The Young and the Restless,” (usually involving a discussion on Brooke vs. Taylor, and discussing how Victor on Y&R resembled an older version of my father.)  Someone generally came back to life, evil twins were revealed, and Victor’s voice continued to drop an octave an episode.

I’d nap on and off, watch movies, and pretty much get waited on hand and foot.  Mom would come sit on the couch with me, call me a “Poor little puppy,” and tend to my every need.  Genius, I tell you.

…Turns out sick days when you’re an adult aren’t nearly as fun…

First of all, you can NEVER take a sick day when you’re not sick.  As many of us have discovered first-hand, if you take a sick day when you’re not actually sick, you will soon be struck with a devastating illness, and have no sick days to use.  Karma is such a bitch sometimes.

So I woke up this morning, and instantly knew it just wasn’t gonna happen.  My nose was running and stuffy at the same time (how in God’s name does that happen?), I was coughing AND sneezing, and had the slightest of fevers.  Plus I got up, looked in the mirror, and literally laughed out loud when I saw my sad, sad reflection.  Nope, not going to work.  Swine flu? Maybe!

So I let my dog out and went back to bed (after updating my Facebook status, of course,) and woke up 6 hours later.  14 hours of sleep in one night, impressive even for me.  I yearned for Sprite and saltines, but sadly Mama Cain was nowhere in sight.  Sadie (my dog) sat in her little cubby and looked at me intently, as if to say “What the ‘eff are you still doing here?! This is Monday, you should be at work.  Get the hell out of my room.”  She’s a lovely dog, I swear.

In the next several hours I dragged myself outside (with a hat and sunglasses, so nobody would have to see how tow’-up I was,) and forced myself to go to Walgreens, only to discover that they were pretty much sold out of every legit kind of allergy medicine.  Awesome.  All that was left was a 5 pack of 12 hour Claratin, and to make sure I’m not running an illegal meth lab out of my living room, I could only buy one box.  I rented Marley and Me (for you dog lovers out there, this will only break your heart,) and Seven Pounds (which I will need to re-watch, because I was drifting in and out of consciousness and it made NO sense to me.  Something about a jellyfish? )

At any rate, nobody waited on me, I had to settle for Pepsi instead of Sprite, substituted Ruffles + french onion dip for saltines (that was actually an upgrade),  I surfed Facebook more than a person should in an entire month, and decided to write a blog.   I’m actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow, if that’s even possible.

So yeah…sick days are just one of the many things that get less cool as you get older.  Some other items that fit into this category: UV Blue vodka, birthdays, going out in high heels, really really crowded bars (sometimes I just wanna sit down), really loud music at said really really crowded bars, taking massive amounts of drunken pictures of yourself and posting them on Facebook (not classy, ladies), Christmas, and Spaghetti O’s.

So this was my first real blog post….please comment so I dont feel lame 🙂