Everyone has different levels of drunk. I know for me, I have two different speeds: Beer Brenda and Vodka Brenda. These two are as different as night and day. Beer Brenda can drink allll day and allll night. She can chill in a booth or destroy the dance floor. She turns down shots, cuz she knows it will make her sick. She socializes, sends silly texts to her friends, heads home around 2:00am and begs for Pizza Rolls.
Vodka Brenda…well she’s a horse of a different color. Vodka Brenda lasts for a max of 4-5 hours. She somehow believes she has the capability to dance like Justin Timberlake/Shakira, and will never hesitate to challenge you to a dance-off. She sends porn star text messages, and will send Facebook messages to people who have been deleted from her phone or will lose her phone completely. She will flip her hair WAY too much, fall down stairs, or sometimes even trip over nothing at all. She will lose the ability to taste the alcohol in her drink, and buy Vegasbombs for strangers. She will make a kissy face in every. single. picture. She will head home around 4:00am, and pass out with one foot on the floor (to stop the spins.) and will wake up the next morning, not knowing how she got home, where her purse/phone/jewelry is, or why her foot is bleeding. She will only leave her bed to puke or get a Mt. Dew from the fridge.
But enough about them. I went to college for 4 years, and have lived in St. Louis for 2, so I’ve gotten the chance to meet several different “types” of drunk. (In case you recognize yourself in the descriptions below, don’t worry…the names have been removed 😉
Angry Drunk: Normally a very mellow person, once this guy/gal gets a few drinks in their system, all hell breaks loose. They start fights with significant others, elbow some drunk bitch in the face for getting too close, bearclaw drunk bastards on the sidewalk, and scream at their friends for no reason at all.
Horny Drunk: This can happen to anyone, and it usually does! Every time this person gets drunk, they’re either making out with a stranger or sex-texting their booty call. This will often lead to fooling around in parking lots, making out with unattractive people (hey, its getting close to last call, better than nothing, right?), and usually ends with a walk of shame/shark attack sized hickey. Do not confuse a horny drunk with a potential boyfriend/girlfriend, they’ll just hook up with the nearest person…even if it’s right in front of you. (grrrrrrrr)
Emotional Drunk/The “Hot Mess”: avoid at all costs!! They get a few drinks in their system, and suddenly all of their pent up frustrations/insecurities come tumbling out in a big weepy pile. This can be triggered by a particular person showing up, a song on the radio, missing a trip to Wrigleyville Dog, or sometimes for nooooo reason at all.
The Baller: “Who wants a shot? Wanna do a carbomb? Let’s go to another bar!! Want another JAGERBOMB?! ” The Baller will do anything and everything to make sure everyone is having a great time…even if it means emptying their entire checking account. (I think the world would be a better place if there were more Ballers…)
The Cheapskate: This is the exact opposite of The Baller, it’s the person who will con everyone else into buying drinks for them! They won’t have cash for cover or the cab ride, will suggest we just “buy rounds” then will magically forget to buy one, and will offer to pay you back for the drinks. It will NEVER happen!!
The Douchebag: The Male Douchebag has a pink, popped collared shirt. He has Redbull + some kind of liquor in every drink. He WILL be wearing Aviators, some sort of sweatband, possibly a pukka shell necklace, and will throw up the peace sign/gangsta face in every single picture. Generally rocking the faux-hawk.
“That Girl”: She will be wearing a dress so short it was clearly meant to be a shirt. She will have a HUUUUUUGE teased bump in her hair, sometimes two, and generally goes for some sort of liquor + Diet Coke. She will take MILLIONS of pictures, generally none of substance. She screams when “her song” gets played, and can often be found near the Male Douchebag. They’re BFF. Will often end up puking at the bar. Often turns into “The Hot Mess.”
So there you have it, the most common drunks I seem to surround myself with. If you find yourself fitting into one of these categories, feel free to rename your alter ego. Giving it an interesting name, like “Cruela” or “Spike” will make it seem more like a fun role playing game, and less like being bipolar.