The different levels of drunk

Everyone has different levels of drunk.  I know for me, I have two different speeds: Beer Brenda and Vodka Brenda.  These two are as different as night and day.   Beer Brenda can drink allll day and allll night.  She can chill in a booth or destroy the dance floor.  She turns down shots, cuz she knows it will make her sick.  She socializes, sends silly texts to her friends, heads home around 2:00am and begs for Pizza Rolls.

Vodka Brenda…well she’s a horse of a different color.  Vodka Brenda lasts for a max of 4-5 hours.  She somehow believes she has the capability to dance like Justin Timberlake/Shakira, and will never hesitate to challenge you to a dance-off.  She sends porn star text messages, and will send Facebook messages to people who have been deleted from her phone or will lose her phone completely.  She will flip her hair WAY too much, fall down stairs, or sometimes even trip over nothing at all.  She will lose the ability to taste the alcohol in her drink, and buy Vegasbombs for strangers.  She will make a kissy face in every. single. picture.  She will head home around 4:00am, and pass out with one foot on the floor (to stop the spins.) and will wake up the next morning, not knowing how she got home, where her purse/phone/jewelry is, or why her foot is bleeding.  She will only leave her bed to puke or get a Mt. Dew from the fridge.

But enough about them.  I went to college for 4 years, and have lived in St. Louis for 2, so I’ve gotten the chance to meet several different “types” of drunk. (In case you recognize yourself in the descriptions below, don’t worry…the names have been removed 😉

Angry Drunk: Normally a very mellow person, once this guy/gal gets a few drinks in their system, all hell breaks loose.  They start fights with significant others, elbow some drunk bitch in the face for getting too close, bearclaw drunk bastards on the sidewalk, and scream at their friends for no reason at all.

Horny Drunk: This can happen to anyone, and it usually does!  Every time this person gets drunk, they’re either making out with a stranger or sex-texting their booty call.  This will often lead to fooling around in parking lots, making out with unattractive people (hey, its getting close to last call, better than nothing, right?), and usually ends with a walk of shame/shark attack sized hickey.  Do not confuse a horny drunk with a potential boyfriend/girlfriend, they’ll just hook up with the nearest person…even if it’s right in front of you.  (grrrrrrrr)

Emotional Drunk/The “Hot Mess”: avoid at all costs!!  They get a few drinks in their system, and suddenly all of their pent up frustrations/insecurities come tumbling out in a big weepy pile.  This can be triggered by a particular person showing up, a song on the radio, missing a trip to Wrigleyville Dog, or sometimes for nooooo reason at all.

The Baller: “Who wants a shot?  Wanna do a carbomb?  Let’s go to another bar!! Want another JAGERBOMB?! ”  The Baller will do anything and everything to make sure everyone is having a great time…even if it means emptying their entire checking account. (I think the world would be a better place if there were more Ballers…)

The Cheapskate: This is the exact opposite of The Baller, it’s the person who will con everyone else into buying drinks for them!  They won’t have cash for cover or the cab ride, will suggest we just “buy rounds” then will magically forget to buy one, and will offer to pay you back for the drinks.  It will NEVER happen!!

The Douchebag: The Male Douchebag has a pink, popped collared shirt.  He has Redbull + some kind of liquor in every drink.  He WILL be wearing Aviators, some sort of sweatband, possibly a pukka shell necklace, and will throw up the peace sign/gangsta face in every single picture.  Generally rocking the faux-hawk.

“That Girl”:  She will be wearing a dress so short it was clearly meant to be a shirt.  She will have a HUUUUUUGE teased bump in her hair, sometimes two, and generally goes for some sort of liquor + Diet Coke.  She will take MILLIONS of pictures, generally none of substance.  She screams when “her song” gets played, and can often be found near the Male Douchebag.  They’re BFF.  Will often end up puking at the bar.  Often turns into “The Hot Mess.”

So there you have it, the most common drunks I seem to surround myself with.  If you find yourself fitting into one of these categories, feel free to rename your alter ego.  Giving it an interesting name, like “Cruela” or “Spike” will make it seem more like a fun role playing game, and less like being bipolar.

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Feel like wasting some time?

So besides the obvious internet time-wasters (Facebook, this blog, MySpace, etc,) I have a certain number of websites I look at pretty often when I feel like wasting some time.  Here are my top ten:

10. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com I have a habit of sending really insanely random/inappropriate texts after a night of drinking, so these make me crack up.  You can even see the area code they were from, (there are some freaky people in the STL area!)

9. http://www.fmylife.com These are random musings from people who have a particularly sad story to tell.  If you didn’t already figure it out, it stands for F*#k My Life.  I have a feeling some of these have GOT to be made up…but I guess you never know.

8. http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/ Jason Mraz is my favorite singer ever, and his blog always makes me smile.  Often it’s a little new-age for my taste, but still, always an interesting read.

7. http://www.43things.com/ On this website, you can set a list of goals (up to 43), track your progress, and set reminders for yourself to accomplish them.   A few from my list: know everything about something obscure, find my “lobster,” and visit all 50 states.

6. http://ace.mu.nu/ Ace of Spades HQ is a conservative blog that I look at on occasion.  It gives you a ton of info, but keeps things pretty light, and tries not to take politics too seriously.  They’re not sold on Obama either 😉

5. http://www.jennsylvania.com/ If you’ve never read a book by Jen Lancaster, do yourself a favor and pick one up.  This woman is HILARIOUS, and is pretty much the reason I decided to start blogging.  “Bitter is the New Black,” pick it up STAT!!

4. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/ Did you ever have a roommate/coworker that would leave little notes all over the place, just so they wouldn’t ever have to confront you face to face?  Then this website is for you!  Seriously hilarious, and I’m totally guilty of it.  (Especially at work!)

3. http://www.homestarrunner.com/ An oldie but a goodie, some of my favorite catch phrases come from the StrongBad emails.  If you haven’t been to this site, I’m not sure I can be friends with you.  “So there I was, sittin’ in StwongBad’s basement, spittin’ teddy gwams all over the pwace….”  Weird little cartoon guy on my keychain?  That’s him.

2. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ People create postcards of secrets they don’t think they can tell anyone else, and send them in to this guy Frank.  He posts new secrets every Sunday.  I always pretend the really romantic ones are about me 🙂  Plus the sad ones make me realize how kick-ass my life really is.

And my #1 favorite website to waste time on…

1. http://www.stltoday.com/ Not a super exciting one, but I find myself logging on to this website at least a few times a day to find out what’s gong on in the St. Louis area.  For instance, today I learned that Cardinals hottie Rick Ankiel ran into a wall and got himself hospitalized.  Rick I’ll gladly nurse you back to health.  Grrrrrowl.

So there you have it!  What are some of your favorite sites to waste time on? (…like I need any more distractions….)

Sick days = overrated

I called in sick today.

Remember when you were in grade school, and you’d look forward to your sick days?  I had a stay at home mom, so a sick day to me was kind of a mini vacation.  I’d wake up in the morning, wander downstairs to my parents’ room and walk over to my mom’s side of the bed.  Right away she could tell if I was sick or not.  I still have NO idea how she knew, but she could just tell.  I’d try my best weak/scratchy “Mommm….I don’t feel good….”

I’d go for the vague illness hat-trick: stomach ache, sore throat, headache.  Those three illnesses were easily faked, and could really be anything.  9/10 times, she told me to suck it up and go to school.  But on the rare occasion that she bought it (or, ya know, if I was really sick…once again, she could tell), she’d send me back up to bed.  Sickie Woo!!

The rest of the day was genius.  I’d sleep in, come downstairs and my mom would make me a little bed on the couch, bring me a room temperature Sprite, and some saltine crackers.  To this day I still associate those two foods with being sick.  I’d watch crappy daytime television, and my mom would fill me in on the insanity happening on “The Bold and the Beautiful” and “The Young and the Restless,” (usually involving a discussion on Brooke vs. Taylor, and discussing how Victor on Y&R resembled an older version of my father.)  Someone generally came back to life, evil twins were revealed, and Victor’s voice continued to drop an octave an episode.

I’d nap on and off, watch movies, and pretty much get waited on hand and foot.  Mom would come sit on the couch with me, call me a “Poor little puppy,” and tend to my every need.  Genius, I tell you.

…Turns out sick days when you’re an adult aren’t nearly as fun…

First of all, you can NEVER take a sick day when you’re not sick.  As many of us have discovered first-hand, if you take a sick day when you’re not actually sick, you will soon be struck with a devastating illness, and have no sick days to use.  Karma is such a bitch sometimes.

So I woke up this morning, and instantly knew it just wasn’t gonna happen.  My nose was running and stuffy at the same time (how in God’s name does that happen?), I was coughing AND sneezing, and had the slightest of fevers.  Plus I got up, looked in the mirror, and literally laughed out loud when I saw my sad, sad reflection.  Nope, not going to work.  Swine flu? Maybe!

So I let my dog out and went back to bed (after updating my Facebook status, of course,) and woke up 6 hours later.  14 hours of sleep in one night, impressive even for me.  I yearned for Sprite and saltines, but sadly Mama Cain was nowhere in sight.  Sadie (my dog) sat in her little cubby and looked at me intently, as if to say “What the ‘eff are you still doing here?! This is Monday, you should be at work.  Get the hell out of my room.”  She’s a lovely dog, I swear.

In the next several hours I dragged myself outside (with a hat and sunglasses, so nobody would have to see how tow’-up I was,) and forced myself to go to Walgreens, only to discover that they were pretty much sold out of every legit kind of allergy medicine.  Awesome.  All that was left was a 5 pack of 12 hour Claratin, and to make sure I’m not running an illegal meth lab out of my living room, I could only buy one box.  I rented Marley and Me (for you dog lovers out there, this will only break your heart,) and Seven Pounds (which I will need to re-watch, because I was drifting in and out of consciousness and it made NO sense to me.  Something about a jellyfish? )

At any rate, nobody waited on me, I had to settle for Pepsi instead of Sprite, substituted Ruffles + french onion dip for saltines (that was actually an upgrade),  I surfed Facebook more than a person should in an entire month, and decided to write a blog.   I’m actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow, if that’s even possible.

So yeah…sick days are just one of the many things that get less cool as you get older.  Some other items that fit into this category: UV Blue vodka, birthdays, going out in high heels, really really crowded bars (sometimes I just wanna sit down), really loud music at said really really crowded bars, taking massive amounts of drunken pictures of yourself and posting them on Facebook (not classy, ladies), Christmas, and Spaghetti O’s.

So this was my first real blog post….please comment so I dont feel lame 🙂

GET EXCITED, PEOPLE!!

Alright, don’t make fun of me….I’m starting a blog.

I know…I know….I’m sort of lame.  However, if you’re just figuring this out, we probably weren’t friends in the first place, and you can go back to ignoring me/stalking and judging me on Facebook/forgetting I exist.  However, for the people who I don’t see very often, who grill me about details of my love life/work/drunken escapades…well this blog is for you!  I’ll try to update once a week, though if you know me at all, you know I have a problem with follow-through, so don’t set your clock by it or anything.  So prepare yourself for my very first post…..exciting, I know!